Don't You Know that You're Toxic?

I don't even know what to say right now. I have lots of things I could update with, but I don't really get any of it, so I don't know how to get out of my head.

I guess I'll give it a go though.

I was thinking about the possible date with the about to be named boy, and I realized that I'm not currently terribly into him. I have no zsa-zsa-zsu, as a new blogging friend has recently posted about. I want a boy who will share the spotlight with me. Someone who will get up and make a fool out of himself with me so that when I regret it, he can say he did it too, rather than try to tell me that I looked fine. I don't really want someone who will be standing back in the shadows. Thus Shadow Boy has been named.

(Totally unrelated picture, but can I please have one this adorably afraid of fireworks, but then totally into them when hanging out with me?)

So, I got some advice from a friend this week that I should not in fact take Shadow Boy up on his date offer if I don't think that I like him. The thing is though, I do enjoy talking to him. What if that could lead to some zsa-zsa-zsu? I mean, the first few times that I met Dodgeball there wasn't anything there. And then the idiot had to go and use some big words, and there were those damned butterflies in my stomach. Why do I have to be such an English major?

If I could like Shadow Boy though, why shouldn't I give it a shot. Maybe the butterflies will come later.

Or maybe they'll last for 3 years like they have with someone else...

Blue instant messaged me tonight. Checking to make sure that I still work somewhere that prevents us from dating. He has actually been the topic of discussion lately, and I find it very interesting that he then messages me at 1:15AM. What is it about this boy? I don't understand him!

Small request

Would one of the adorable boys in my life just ask me out to one of the great movies out right now already?

Inside You'll Hear A Sigh

Blue came over last night. We'd been talking about him coming over the night before, and we texted a bit just to confirm details throughout the day, but I wasn't really that into him coming over. I knew exactly what it would really be about, and considering that I can't seem to get my mind off of Dodgeball when talking to Blue, I don't know that it's fair to either Blue or I for me to act like I'm not thinking about someone else. (It doesn't impact Dodgeball in any way because he doesn't like me.)

There is a reason though that Blue and I are not technically allowed to date, and while I hadn't been hiding it from him that this reason exists again, I hadn't made it known to him either. Tonight it came up though. Within about 2 minutes of him being here. Which made things really uncomfortable for him and ultimately led him to leave with only a hug goodbye. (Well, that and the fact that before my hair dries, my Tresume shampoo and conditioner make my hair smell like crap. Haha, no hair smelling for Blue this time!)

Part of me wanted to be hurt because obviously he doesn't like me enough to say, "Screw the rules, I'm already downtown tonight, we might as well hang out for a while!" But it kind of makes it easier if I don't have to let him down while I'm still hung up on someone else.

Blue is going to look into the issue with us dating and see if it can be resolved. I'm not sure whether or not I really want it to be. Wednesday night he asked me when he's taking me out as a belated birthday dinner, so it seems that he does actually want to date, and I wouldn't be opposed to trying that, but I don't want to force the Dodgeball crush to go away. I think I'll just take it slow. I get a lot of messages from Blue that tell me he's not as into me as I really want someone to be, but him actually figuring out if we can date might be a way of showing me that he is, in fact, that into me. (I know it sounds cliche, but he doesn't really fit with the He's Just Not That Into You logic, and I know from talking with him, not because I just don't want to believe it. After all, I'm believing it with Dodgeball right?)

It's starting to feel like I have some sort of actual life, to which I don't know the proper reaction. I guess it's sharing my experiences with a relatively anonymous audience! Yay blogging!

Girl Just Wanna Have Fun.

Being a girl can seriously suck. In the last 48 hours I have been through a roller coaster of emotions that really don't even make sense. Yes, it is that time of the month, and I definitely hope that's why I'm like this, but knowing that I can expect this according to the lunar cycle does not really help in dealing with it.

I totally broke down before work on Sunday, and luckily my guardian angel Blythe was online to calm me down. Though, I didn't actually calm down. Since she wasn't in front of me to see, I was actually getting much worse.



I've got issues with the fact that I can't find a boy worth a damn who is interested in an actual relationship. As Blythe so wonderfully pointed out, I've recently made some really great friends, so it is obvious that I've got a personality that can attract people. And then I have a boys like... well we'll call him Dodgeball... who make it almost painfully obvious that it's not any issue with my body that's keeping the boys away. I even have boys like Dodgeball who end up being really good friends in moments that I need them, and probably see a little more than they should.

For whatever reason though, those things don't all come together as I would like them to, and it frustrates me to no end. I've got some plans to focus myself on other things for the time being. Among them, getting into a consistent size 6 through more creative eating and getting back to dancing more.

There is a part of me that refuses to give up on Dodgeball, even though Blue (who I know I didn't update about, but I totally gave up on two weeks ago) messaged me last night for no real reason. I new that Blue would eventually get back in touch with me, and I knew that it would be mostly they type of conversation that we had last night, and I'm glad to report that my emotional response was pretty much as I wanted it.

I didn't care! The whole time that we were talking, I was thinking about how sure, it would be nice to date him if he wanted to take me out, but I'm really more interested in someone else, even if I don't actually have a shot with him.

Considering how desperate I was for some decent male attention only 14 or so hours before, I was really glad to see that it's not just male attention that I want, it's male attention from someone I like, that's not just about sex. It's a bittersweet relief though, since getting more than that from someone whom I actually like is much more difficult to find.

Oh well, should give me more to blog about, right?

A letter to the boy I can't actually write to.

Nights like tonight are probably the hardest. I've got a lot on my mind that I wish I could talk to you about. Granted, one of the biggest things on my mind right now is the simple fact that I can't talk to you, but none the less you are the first person I think of when I want to tell something to someone so it's frustrating that things feel like they're piling up.

Your messages to me give me just enough information that they're actually really vague to someone who isn't completely sure how your mind works. Guess who falls into that classification.

You've made it clear that you don't want to talk right now. What confuses me there is whether or not you intend to be in contact with me in the future. I like you. I see that we have different styles of letting each other know that we're interested. That is a bit difficult to handle sometimes, but I'm down to figure out just how we handle it and I hope that you are too.

I hope you're still planning on taking me out for my birthday. Dressing up for you would be fun!



In other news...

Friends, a boy and some good advice.

I really can't express just how much fun I'm having lately. I've found some really amazing people whom I've somehow fooled into thinking I'm just as awesome as they are, and we're having a ball. Everything from Bowleoake and crazy Luau parties to just hanging out at home and having some home made macaroni, we've got good times no matter what.

I'm blown away by the kind of support that I'm getting from the amazing women I've found. Sunday night, we seriously hung out at my house, I made macaroni, and we repaired a dress. After a pretty crazy party the night before, it was kind of just what was needed.

Part of knowing these marvelous ladies is listening to the advice that they give, even when it's something that I've heard before and resisted. Last week a friend posted the suggestion of reading He's Just Not That Into You. I've heard of it before, and thought about reading it, but simply wasn't going to do it. I expected that it would be condescending and possibly demeaning, and I wanted no part of that.

Taking a risk based on the awesome time that we'd already spent hanging out, I asked to borrow the book. Worst that could happen is that I just don't like it, right?

Well guess what. That's not what happened. I'm only halfway through, and I love it. It's already helped me loads with some things that I was holding onto, and even with a boy I met up with last night! This is a boy I've know for about 3 years, and we've gone through a few different phases of romantic-type relationships. This time around he (let's call him Blue for ease of future references, if they should occur) has made it clear (as in stating it flat out) that he would very much like to date me as soon as he moves back to town.

I am very much in support of that idea, so I don't want to do anything kind of stupid that would scare him off. Especially not while he's still 2 states away. I also don't want to get myself too worked up to be let down, which the book is helping me to do. Last night we only had a few hours together, and I'm really happy with how they went. He moves back to town either mid August, or early September, and now I kind of can't wait.

It's a really good thing I've got these awesome girls to keep me occupied until he gets back and can take me on that date he's promised!